Builder in Hell

A builder dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah sorry, you're in the wrong place."

So the builder reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the builder gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts making improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the builder is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this builder is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an builder? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having a builder on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman..

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.


Sincerely, Edna

An Audit

A construction worker dies on in a fishing accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!"

"Congratulations for what?" asks the construction worker.

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter. "We are celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old."

"But that's not true," says the construction worker. "I only lived to be forty."

"That's impossible," says Saint Peter, "we added up your time sheets."

Blonde Construction Workers

Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"

The second blonde got really upset and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!"

LAWYERS + ENGINEERS + TRAINS = THIS SHOULD BE INTERESTING

There are two big conferences in NY, one for construction engineers and one for lawyers. They are both being held in the same building downtown.


On the first day of the conference, two groups run into each other at the train station and chat while waiting in line to buy tickets into the city.

When they reach the counter, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three Engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats, but all three Engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers see this and agree it is quite a clever idea.

After the conference, the lawyers (recognizing the engineers' superior intellect) decide to copy the construction engineers on the return trip and save some money . When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the construction engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three construction engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the construction engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."